On My Weigh

2006-09-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

This could be considered Step 2 in my journey. Step 1 was make "The. Call." to Dr. Tague and making an appointment.

Step 2 is making another phone call -- you read someone's blog every day, and share in their lives, and you feel like you know them. Becky and I have interacted on line, through emails, through "businesss transactions" (she is where I get alot of my beautiful banners from). I feel like I have known her forever.

So.

When she says "hey, we're coming to Kansas, would you like to get together" -- Gulp. You love her to pieces on line. But. Together? face to face? But. Ya know what? we did it. We got together. We talked. We had supper together. We talked and talked and talked, like we were old friends. And in many respects, we are. The "World Wide Web" just puts a new spin on an old friendship. How can you know someone, love someone, be a part of their everyday life -- and yet, have never met?

Well -- thats us. Becky and me.

We had a great time. And then, we were were getting ready to leave, we were like to gunslingers at the OK Corral ... cameras in hand. I wanted HER picture -- and yes, quite honestly, I wanted to "catch" the wonderful memory in action. I just didn't want it to reflect me.

But. It does. And, in light of Thursday ... its OK. This is my "in the trenches" blog. I'm going to be positive her. But I am also going to be brutually honest here. I. Do. NOT. like myself. And thats just the way it is, folks.

But, I'm ready to do something about it. I am posting this picture...not because I'm thinking "look at me -- how wonderful I am". Just the opposite. I'm posting it so the few special people who will be following along here -- those who don't know me "real life" -- know just exactly "why" I have this attitude that I have. But, it is my belief, as the pounds go away, the chins recede, the tummy stops protruding, the legs feel comfortable holding me up .... then, I will be able to post more and more pictures, with a measure of pride and success. Not that I will ever be a raving beauty. That is not my goal. My goal is just to get back to a "normal" "acceptable" "healthy" weight. I am none of those now.

I'm not always going to be positive here. But, there will be times I am. I'm just going to write, from teh heart. The pain, but also the joy. I am writing -- the journey -- pure and simple.

And that journey begins -- with a simple picture. A close up. Becky has another one, that was taken as a group -- with all of us. That will show "more". But. thats OK. I will post it when she emails it to me.

I will be posting stats. And food eaten. And thoughts. And confessions. I will try to keep a positive attitude as I go through this -- I'm taking the {21} day Challenge to heart, and not beating myself for past failures. Eye on the prize. With love and support and prayers of friends.

You have to understand.... posting this picture is not easy for me. But, its just part of the process and determination that I have for this journey. I am going to succeed this time.

No. I am going to succeed. Period.

"This time" encompasses all the past failures, all the other times I've tried. I'm not looking back. Its all about "today" and tomorrow.

I am definately ... "On. My. Weigh."

{Day 6} Not Staying Down

2006-09-04T15:24:00.000-05:00

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.

The year of 2004-- and probably more precisely-- 2005 -- I not only fell down....I stayed down. I had given up. I had failed for the last time. I stopped weighing. I stopped caring. And I started hurting, physically, more and more. Maybe I couldn't measure my weight gain by clothes or a scale, but my feet tell the story. My ability to not be able to walk a very very short distance without gasping for breathe...that tells the story. To avoid shopping, because it was like running a marathon. That tells the story. I have failed and failed and failed again. But I also got up and tried again. After my mom died, I didn't have what it took to get back up again.

Oh, in the fog, just a few short weeks after her death, I did. And it saved my life. I had decided to honor her life, and her death, by "getting healthy". But the diet program was replaced by a heart out of rhythm, a trip to the ER, and a 6 day stay in the hospital. The diet program was replaced by months of tests and questions -- and finally, possibly, the answer. Severe sleep apena.

My focus then was on weekly blood tests (for Coumadin usage), to adjusting to wearing a CPAP. I lose my focus on weight loss, and I never went back. I never got back up from "falling down'.

I stayed down.

I am ready to get back up. To try. To not fail, but to succeed. To be happy again. To enjoy life and all it has to offer.

Countdown: 3 days

______________________
Credit: The {21} Day Challenge
Intro: Why the {21} Day Challenge:
Archive: {21} Day Challenge

{Day 5} Wake Up

2006-09-04T10:36:00.000-05:00

"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up."

The best time of my day is early morning. It is that time of day I can almost imagine, almost feel that "all is right" in my world. That I'm fine, that I don't hurt, that I can breath. Often, I have just woken up from a dream of some kind or the other.

And then I get up -- and reality sets in. The pain. The shortness of breath. The effort it takes just to get around.

Its time that I stop dreaming. To make those dreams come true, of life in a body that has other things to do that just survive. I'm ready to wake up and make this dream come true.

Countdown.... 6 days

______________________
Credit: The {21} Day Challenge
Intro: Why the {21} Day Challenge:
Archive: {21} Day Challenge

{Day 4} Explore, Dream, Discover

2006-09-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from teh safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Being overweight has been a way of life for as long as I can remember. I thougth I was fat when I was a teenager; but looking at pictures, I wasn't. I would give anything to be at that weight again. That puts me into that "explore, dream, discover" mode. I can only dream what it would be like. But I am more than willing now to explore the possibility of finding a different way of living. And I believe that I will discover that new person within me. I know I will maintain many of the same inner qualities that I have -- that won't change. I am, for the most part, who I am, thin or fat. But, there are things that, as a large person, does mold me, make me who I am, in the present. And that person will slowly disappear, as the weight disappears. The insecurity will be replaced with a sense of life, of living again.

Its more than just a dream. Its a possiblity, and one that I am going after.

_______________________
Credit: The {21} Day Challenge
Intro: Why the {21} Day Challenge:
Archive: {21} Day Challenge

{Day 3} Take Action

2006-09-04T10:32:00.001-05:00

"You see - in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know! Knowing is not enough! You must take action!"

I am the QUEEN of knowing what to do. Its the "putting into action" part that trips me up every time. However. This time -- this "habit" that I centering this (21) day Challenge around -- losing weight -- I am taking action. Granted, no, I haven't started watching what I eat, or exercising or anything else that goes along with weight loss.

But. I did make "The Call". I have set the plan in action. I have an appointment with Dr. Tague on September 7. Several years ago, I worked with them and lost 75 lbs. Then I let life and my mom's heart attack sidetrack me, and I never saw the journey to the end. I'm not going to let it happen this time around. I know them and the program well enough to know that it does work, you just have to be focused and Just. Do. It.

But, isn't it that way with anything? I have a seperate blog set up for this journey... haven't started writing there yet ... but I will.

I have taken the 1st step. On September 7, I will take the 2nd step and the beginning of many many more steps to come.

______________________
Quote from The {21} Day Challenge

{Day 2} Trying

2006-09-04T10:32:00.000-05:00

No one knows what he can do till he tries" - Publilus Syrus

Time and time again, you will see a success story, alot of times dealing with weight loss, when they will say "If I can do it, so can you". For so long, I was in a "diet" frame of main, always thinking about it, starting "new" each Monday. But for the last year or so, I have spiraled so far down, that I feel like I have totally given up, to the point of not even trying.

I'm ready to try. To lose weight. To make a difference in my life, so I can make a difference in other lives. To not live a life of physical pain,shortness of breath, of constantly looking around, accessing the situation to see if there are obstacles that could hinder me...whether it be getting around or through somewhere, or sitting down, or many of the other things you encounter when you are large.

I don't know what I can do until I try. I'm ready to try.

And succeed.

____________________
Quote from The {21} Challenge

{Day 1} Forgetting

2006-09-04T10:30:00.000-05:00

“Forget past mistakes, forget failures, forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.” ~William Durant

My 21 day challenge is to prepare myself for a wonderful and exciting journey. A journey to a better life, better living the day to day stuff. To be able to enjoy life, and not be caught up in a world of pain and inactivity. My husband reminds me that this is the 3rd time I have tried doing this. The first time I was partially successful. The 2nd time was done during a time of grieving and just a whole multitude of other life altering emotions at the time. I have reached a point where I am tired of living like this, and its time I step up and do something about it. September 7 is the "official" beginning. But, I am preparing myself emotionally, as well as setting some organizational boundaries to it as well. I am going to forget about past mistakes and failures. I am putting blinders on, taking a "tunnel vision" attitude, and I am going to succeed.

I will be keeping a seperate blog for this journey. And while I'm doing this {21}Day Challenge, entries like this may appear on both. I want to capture part of this journey I'm about to embark on here at my regular blog; but there are lots of other things that I want to get "down on paper", but I'm not comfortable putting it here.

I'm not going to look back. If I do, it will be only to recapture the thrill of the success I did have the 1st time around. I know this will work -- it has worked for me, until I let life and some other things get in the way. I'm not going to let that happen this time.

__________________________
Quote from The {21} Challenge

{21} Day Challenge

2006-09-04T10:26:00.000-05:00

As always, I am a little behind of everyone else. But that doesn't mean I still can't march to the beat of my own drummer. I have watched, admired, drooled over the {21} Day Challenge -- through all 5 rounds. The orginal concept was to combine journaling with scrapbooking. To take a habit, and make that the central theme of the 21 day challenge.

As much as I love to scrapbook, this is just something I have been able to jump into creatively. So, I've just sat on the sidelines, and watched. Becky, at W@H, has taken a different approach to it, and its a wonderful idea. I checked with her to make sure it was "OK" to steal her idea. The way she is utilizing the concept is a great idea and will work great with the "journey" I have ahead of me. It is a journey of more than 21 days; but journaling about the quotes Rhona has shared with us, is a perfect beginning to the journey I am about to embark on.

The journey? Major weightloss. In a short amount of time. Under the supervision of a doctor.
It works. I've "been there and done that". In 2002, I lost 75 lbs between April and August. And I was healthy doing it. But I let some life things get in the way, and eventually went off the program. They see you all the way, if you let them, which includes going from the extreme way of losing the weight, to a normal lifestyle. Its all a process. A process ....a journey... that I am going to make work for me this time. I am sooooo tired of living like this. I have a new Explorer (vehicle) to enjoy. Grandkids to play with. A son who will be leaving in 3 short years. I would like for those years to be enjoyable for him, rather than one of "looking after....running for ... his mom all the time". And I want to blog about it. Starting with this {21} Day Challenge.

Of course, then being me, I coudln't decide just how I wanted to go about this, blog wise. Part of me wants to keep this all "here" -- at this blog. And yet, there are parts of it, once I get going with this, will be boring useless facts, that are only important to me.

So, I decided I would do this challenge here ... I may copy and paste it "over there" -- but I am definately starting a new blog for this venture...this journey. It deserves nothing less.

2006-08-09T22:32:00.000-05:00

just testing